Just Bend

When platitudes of perseverance fill me with seething rage instead of the urge to sew a throw pillow I know I need to take a walk. I bristle at the slightest whisper of empathy lately, when what I really want is to feel it, to let it slide through my psyche, balm-like on my internal aching. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Twinkle is sick, but surgery, solitude and six months of treatment should stultify her symptoms.  That may be all it takes to make her well again.

There is no room, no reason in our situation for my anger, for my fits of rage that come out against an innocent pan that doesn’t slide correctly into its place in the cabinet. There is only room for smiles, for hugs and for reassurances that everything is going to be fine. Why, then, do I constantly catch myself telling inanimate objects to just bend, already, just give a little? Can’t the unbend-able bend just this once, break the laws of the universe and show me that I do have power here?

Everything will be fine. In truth, it will be – which is why I feel so guilt for being so upset. Our version of “fine” might change, but doesn’t reality always shape our definitions? When I watched my son today, turning flips off the couch while speaking the dialect of the electric Pokémon brethren he loves the most, I see a completely different version of perfection than I could have imagined before I met him. It’s magical, really, how much better real-life is than fantasy.

When we finish wading through this new diagnosis and treatment plan Twinkle may get a new definition of fine. From this side of the starting line we cannot see the miracle of the finish line, the place where her care team promises she will reach a new level of wellness previously unexperienced. Instead we see obstacles that refuse to break the laws of physics just because that would give us our power back.

love

 

I love Yeah Write, a community that makes me try harder to write better. Do you have something you are proud of that you want to submit to the grid this week, receiving comments and encouragement for doing so? I cannot recommend putting yourself out there with this community enough.

About TT&NB

Wife, Mother, grant writer, professional do-gooder and friend
This entry was posted in Family, Parenting, Twinkle Toes. Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Just Bend

  1. I’m sorry that you are struggling right now. Of course you are angry. This sounds very scary and it’s completely unfair that Twinkle has to go through this. It’s understandable to want other things to bend instead of you doing the bending all the time.

    • TT&NB says:

      Thanks. I appreciate your comment and your kindness. It’s her that’s sick, not me, which makes me feel like such a tool for being this angry. She has the right to be pissed at the universe, but she chooses not to be, and I wish I had her grace.

  2. Taking your rage out on inanimate objects seems like a totally healthy response to your current situation. I hope the surgery and the treatment plan are a success.

    P.S. I have never in my life wanted to “sew a throw pillow” – especially when I am under emotional duress, so I’m in awe of you for even considering it. Karen

    • TT&NB says:

      Thanks… I have no idea if it is healthy or not, but I do know plenty of relatives that have received “keep on truckin'” esq pillows as holiday gifts. Moving my hands keeps my mind in check, or in denial, one of the two.

      • That sounds like a perfect self-care plan, and it’s a win/win because it involves gifts for others:) I wish I knew how to sew. I have lots of ideas for clothes and stuff, but I have ADD and no patience.

  3. sometimes we are just angry, even with all the gifts of life and before we are sure exactly why. take it out on the pan, it doesn’t mind. hope you’re feeling better soon.

  4. jenbrunett says:

    Ditto what the others said. Anger really is a healthy emotion… my heart is with you.

  5. Natalie DeYoung says:

    I feel this way lately. Getting angry at inanimate objects because life is hard enough, does the dishwasher have to break right now?? Totally rational.
    I am so damn sorry she is sick. It is so freaking painful to watch loved ones suffer. Hugs to you both, and hoping she gets better soon.

  6. cshowers says:

    It’s so difficult to deal with what life hands us sometimes, and anger is a normal reaction. I pray that Twinkle recovers fully and completely, and that the Lord comforts you in your pain.

    God bless you,
    Cheryl

  7. You need to be a part of a contest for one of the most useful
    blogs on the net. I will recommend this web site!

  8. Hiya very cool blog!! Guy .. Beautiful .. Amazing ..
    I will bookmark your site and take the feeds also?
    I am happy to find numerous useful information here in the put up, we’d like work
    out extra strategies in this regard, thanks for sharing.

    . . . . .

  9. Amazing blog! Do you have any tips and hints for aspiring writers?
    I’m hoping to start my own site soon but I’m a little lost on everything.
    Would you suggest starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option?
    There are so many options out there that I’m completely confused ..
    Any tips? Kudos!

  10. Howdy! Do you know if they make any plugins to assist with Search Engine Optimization? I’m trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted
    keywords but I’m not seeing very good results. If you know
    of any please share. Thanks!

  11. I always spent my half an hour to read this weblog’s articles
    everyday along with a cup of coffee.

  12. I have been exploring for a little bit for any high quality articles or blog posts in this sort of house .
    Exploring in Yahoo I eventually stumbled upon this site.
    Studying this info So i’m satisfied to convey that I have
    a very just right uncanny feeling I found out just what I needed.

    I most without a doubt will make sure to do not put out of your mind this site and give it a glance on a
    relentless basis.

  13. This post will help the internet visitors for setting up new
    webpage or even a weblog from start to end.

  14. youtube.com says:

    I think that everything posted was very logical.
    But, what about this? what if you added a little information? I am
    not suggesting your content is not good, however suppose
    you added a title that grabbed a person’s attention? I mean Just Bend | Twinkle Toes and Ninja Boy is
    a little vanilla. You could look at Yahoo’s front page and see how they create article
    headlines to get viewers interested. You
    might try adding a video or a pic or two to grab
    readers excited about what you’ve written. In my
    opinion, it might make your blog a little livelier.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s