When platitudes of perseverance fill me with seething rage instead of the urge to sew a throw pillow I know I need to take a walk. I bristle at the slightest whisper of empathy lately, when what I really want is to feel it, to let it slide through my psyche, balm-like on my internal aching. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Twinkle is sick, but surgery, solitude and six months of treatment should stultify her symptoms. That may be all it takes to make her well again.
There is no room, no reason in our situation for my anger, for my fits of rage that come out against an innocent pan that doesn’t slide correctly into its place in the cabinet. There is only room for smiles, for hugs and for reassurances that everything is going to be fine. Why, then, do I constantly catch myself telling inanimate objects to just bend, already, just give a little? Can’t the unbend-able bend just this once, break the laws of the universe and show me that I do have power here?
Everything will be fine. In truth, it will be – which is why I feel so guilt for being so upset. Our version of “fine” might change, but doesn’t reality always shape our definitions? When I watched my son today, turning flips off the couch while speaking the dialect of the electric Pokémon brethren he loves the most, I see a completely different version of perfection than I could have imagined before I met him. It’s magical, really, how much better real-life is than fantasy.
When we finish wading through this new diagnosis and treatment plan Twinkle may get a new definition of fine. From this side of the starting line we cannot see the miracle of the finish line, the place where her care team promises she will reach a new level of wellness previously unexperienced. Instead we see obstacles that refuse to break the laws of physics just because that would give us our power back.
I love Yeah Write, a community that makes me try harder to write better. Do you have something you are proud of that you want to submit to the grid this week, receiving comments and encouragement for doing so? I cannot recommend putting yourself out there with this community enough.