F Train Logic

f train

Riding the F Train, alone for the first time in over a year, we were drunk and happy.  We had lost another baby a couple of months before. Dave was adamant that we stop trying to add another member to our family. Lost is such a cruel word for miscarriage. I know exactly where she went when the blood started rushing 31 hours after I had a faintly positive pregnancy test. She wasn’t lost, she just wasn’t where I wanted her to be. When we were on the train I grabbed Dave’s hand, smiled at him and whispered “let’s just see, just tonight, just because we are in New York. We may be a perfect family of three, or maybe tonight’s the night we are meant to become a perfect family of four.” Memory is funny. I can never be certain if those were my words, but I will never forget the way Dave’s dimple looked when he nodded his agreement.

Thirty-four weeks later, screaming to show us his little lungs were capable of such miracles as breathing independently, our son gave me the most visceral reminder that sometimes our best decisions are the ones we make when completely removed from our ability to reason.

Last night, around 2am, our son sneaked into our bedroom, whimpering quietly. He sidled over to my side of the bed and whispered that I forgot to come to his bed and check on him after I turned off his light. I reminded him that he had fallen asleep, and that when I came in to check he was already riding on the clouds of his dreams. He crawled into my arms, put his beautiful hands on my cheeks and said, “Mommy, I would rather fly with you in my dreams then on a cloud if that’s ok.” I cradled him, tucked his head into the crook of my neck, and thanked the universe for F train logic.



About TT&NB

Wife, Mother, grant writer, professional do-gooder and friend
This entry was posted in marriage, Ninja Boy and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

33 Responses to F Train Logic

  1. What a sweet, sweet story! And what an adorable thing he said! Love!

  2. Jan says:

    So sweet!!!

  3. Planning and reason can be overrated.

    • TT&NB says:

      I agree. My three quickest decisions (getting engaged 24 hours after meeting my husband, and my two children’s conceptions) all lead to the creation of the best life I can imagine.

  4. Natalie DeYoung says:

    Some of my best decisions were thought out in that same way.

  5. nikkiana says:

    I dig the F train’s logic.

  6. aishasoasis says:

    Beautiful story and happy family! I love this combination! Thanks for a great read!

  7. Kate says:

    What a gift. My baby is now 8 and is the life and light of our family. It was like we lived in black and white until he was born.

    • TT&NB says:

      When our first was born she changed the way I defined happiness, contentment and love. To live fully looked completely different once our children were present. Thanks for reading!

  8. so sweet. horrah for the f train.

  9. I took the F train many times, but it never got me pregnant.

    • TT&NB says:

      Haha! My daughter’s story involves a haunted house that made it impossible to sleep and a diminished condom supply… so scary stories ans the subway are my tickets to procreation I guess 🙂

  10. Sarah says:

    I absolutely loved this–what a sweet story!

  11. jenbrunett says:

    Omg sweetest, ever! What a little Prince Charming you have!

  12. Angela Ryan says:

    This was beautiful. I’m so glad your decision turned into a wonderful, little blessing. That line in the beginning about loss and how you knew exactly where the child went as blood rushed down is so powerful and heartbreaking. Wow. You packed a lot of emotion into this post!

  13. Christina says:

    so much love for this beautiful post.

  14. lindadyer573 says:

    “Except you become as little children…” : )

  15. C.C. says:

    What a great story…one that I’m sure he will love hearing as he gets older.

  16. shailajav says:

    The best packages are the unexpected ones. What a sweet story! Here’s a toast to more luck and love 🙂

  17. outlawmama says:

    Boom! I am loving this post full of joy and miracles. Yay for the F train.

  18. Some places in New York are just magical like that. This is a beautiful piece.

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