Resolutions of addition are my thing. Last year I added running without guilt, reading for pleasure, dates with my husband and theme parties to my life and it was glorious. I took back some of what I felt the first six years of motherhood had stripped away from me, but realized in the middle that what I have in life is pretty much the best I could ever want. This year I wanted to add displays of gratitude to my children and husband and a greater commitment to this blog.
I promised myself that 2014 would end with my family feeling so overly loved their hearts would explode. I would write my children 150 love notes each and I would kiss my husband whilst telling him I appreciate him every single day. So far in January I have written each lovely child 20 love notes. I am not sure what I thought would happen, but when they reach the end of the day their reaction to not finding a note in their lunch or tucked under their dinner plate or hidden on their pillow is to cry a thousand tears of anguish. I wish I would have seen that one coming. Ninja has been very helpful, though, and insists I am only required to write or draw him notes on the days when I work outside the home. Still not quite sure how I managed to screw up my daily gratitude so badly, but I will need to find a new way to turn this back into the meditative practice on appreciation it was meant to be.
As for loving on my husband as much as he deserves… Why is this one so much harder? Is this why parents end up needing retreats away from everything? I love Dave more than I love breathing. He literally holds me up when I am too weak to stand, yet I practically need to set a phone alarm to go off and remind me to look in his eyes, smile and tell him that living without him next to me is a situation I would find least desirable of all possible life outcomes? We spend at least thirty minutes together just being each other’s loves every day, after the kids go to sleep. We hold hands, make jokes, eat ice cream out of the carton, trying not to talk about bills or babies or money.
Last year my goals were much harder in that they were quantifiable and lengthy and yet I met each one. This year they are personal and touching and I can’t seem to find the grace to do them well at all. It’s only January 31, Perhaps February will be easier for me.