A cacophony of warning signs have been echoing in my head for the last few months. I started new medication a few weeks ago that ended a seven-year humming noise in the back of my head (http://twinkletoesandninjaboy.com/2013/11/02/brain-waves/). I wrote about that, but did not write about the big picture of my health story. My doctor has been weighing the possibility of removing a benign but growing tumor from my brain. This tumor was diagnosed long, long ago, but the new symptoms and issues I am having are leading my doctors to take a fresh look at this problem.
Today I went in for new brain imaging to determine if the “suspected growth” needs removal. They sent me home with a disc of images for my records, and I am so grateful that they do not load on my computer. I am not capable of reading them correctly, but that would not stop me from sifting through the images quickly, squinting my eyes and imagining them as a flip book fortune-teller.
I would not be authentic if I said I was engaging with this diagnosis and potential treatment plan with strength of character or grace. At the closing benefit dance during my work event I did so many hair-related moves, just in case I have to shave my head and lose my gloriously long, wavy locks. I don’t think I am worried about shaving a portion of my hair, not really, but if I think of the things more important than hair that I could be losing I would be sick with worry. Mostly, I am ignoring everything real and hoping that the new drugs I have been on this month have proven effective, that the tumor is smaller and non-surgical, and that I can continue on a management path instead of a surgical one.