Freedom Friday– every [ok, not really every lately] Friday I free myself from a burden, either an old embarrassing story, a secret phobia, a lie I told and got away with, a fear I can’t win, or something else to be determined. I want to free myself from secrets to end those nagging moments when I can’t sleep at night, or those random thoughts that pop in my head for no reason other than their need to get expelled from my psyche. We all need to free ourselves from self-recrimination, to open ourselves up and face our fears. Freedom Friday is my attempt to do that, and in turn take ownership of my guilt so it doesn’t eat me alive anymore.
I entered my Marigolds and Memories post into a writing competition and loss handily. I’ve entered 4 posts into this particular weekly competition and have always ranked in the bottom of the heap. Perhaps it’s the time of year, the time of my cycle or something else, but this loss has created an inner monologue about my value as a writer and as a blogger. I hate insecurity, hate it, but I think I hate it mostly because I indulge it.
My dream life is one where my words are understood, sought out and read with delight. My dream life is where this translates into enough money to care for my children in the way they deserve. I am blessed that I do write for a living, that I spend an inordinate amount of time playing with, talking to and genuinely enjoying my children, and that my career does answer my calling. But, and there is always a but, I wish that the words I wrote with conviction were the words that paid my bills, not the words I write about government grants.
I am genuinely happy with my life, but self-confidence is something I have always lacked. My Freedom Friday confession is that I tell my kids it isn’t winning that matters, it’s trying your best, but in my life I want to be the sorest of sore losers when my writing doesn’t make the cut. I feel so lame for admitting that, but I guess feeling lame is why I do these Freedom Friday posts, anyway.