What Kind of Chef are you? Weirdo!

The L-Word, Perfect entertainment while canning pears

The L-Word, Perfect entertainment while canning pears

Nipples, lacy panties and hungry eyes flashed across the screen to the sweet sound of fulfilling desires. As the screen heated up beyond 11, I heard someone walking up the stairs. Like a tween girl caught red-handed reading her parent’s copy of The Joy of Sex I paused The L Word, turned off the TV and vacated the couch.

I never got into this show when it originally aired, but have recently been streaming it while (irony alert) preparing fresh produce for canning. I move a table into the family room, place a small garbage can between my feet, and peel hundreds of pears for preserves while watching eight women explore their lives and sexuality through lively discourse and a multitude of sex scenes. This show works well for canning, as it keeps me so engrossed that I forget how boring preparing wholesome foods for my family can be.

The thing is, Not-Kirk runs a theatre company that started rehearsals this week – rehearsals that occur in my basement. Last night, sitting in my living room while Shane’s pre-wedding rap about appropriate practices for successful cunnilingus filled the air, I wondered if I could keep watching. Of course it was during a particularly involved sex scene when I heard the footsteps of my husband’s employee in the distance.

Fears started running through my head, “it looks like I sit in my living room and watch pornography while cooking! Did they hear the cunnilingus song and are coming up to ask me to be quiet? Me, the girl scout leading, Sunday school teaching, overly enthusiastic parent will be known as the porn chef of the neighborhood. Will they ever eat my food again if they think this is what I need to do to prepare it?” I turn it off, duck and cover.

I hide, red-faced and silent, until I hear her turn off the sink in our bathroom, return to the stairwell and retreat to our basement. In hindsight I realized she never even walked through the family room area, and I could have always said “I love The L Word, don’t you?” but that would not have been me. Running, hiding, and imagining a picture of myself, ladle in hand, with the caption “What’s for dinner? Ask the dirty porn chef” is totally more my style.

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In other news, I have decided to stop the Wacky Wednesday series. It was the least read and least commented on posts on my blog. I have no idea why I replaced it with a post about canning and indecency, the freedom from standard posting topics must be getting to me!

 

About TT&NB

Wife, Mother, grant writer, professional do-gooder and friend
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8 Responses to What Kind of Chef are you? Weirdo!

  1. I think Food Network’s got a new Food Network Star on the horizon: Grilling The Dirty Porn Chef. haha! It’s the same thing here when I’m watching something on HBO or Showtime and one of the kids walks in my room while I’m watching reruns of Weeds or something. My husband and I have a joke that I’m watching my filth.

  2. Karen says:

    “This show works well for canning, as it keeps me so engrossed that I forget how boring preparing wholesome foods for my family can be.” Hilarious! Rock on, Porn Chef.

  3. Gina says:

    Oh, Porn Chef! This is stellar. I meant ab fab! I was cracking up the whole time. (I watch it, too.)

  4. Haha this was funny. I could definitely relate, I would do the same thing. It also reminded me of when I was younger and home sick from school – I’d watch forbidden soap operas until I heard the car door slam and would frantically change the channel and try to play it cool.

  5. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Ohhhhhh dear a lot. This did make me laugh.

    I’ve never seen the show, but can imagine that working with it is a whole lot better than canning fresh food without it!

  6. Maggie says:

    We all have our show that makes us blush😉 I remember when I was still living with my parents, I was watching a Netflix DVD of True Blood in the family room … because my parents weren’t home. But of course they came home in the middle of it, and I paused it (making sure the image on screen wasn’t “inappropriate”). When they came in as were like “what are you watching?” I told them “True Blood … and if you don’t mind, I’d like to watch this alone.” It helps that my mom is relatively open about these things. I’ve read some of her books that include “adult” scenes as she’s always like “I turned down the corners of the good pages!”

  7. Amber says:

    I’ve heard this show is good but never watched it!
    Visiting from yr.🙂

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